Johnny Clyde reviews: Holika Holika UV Wonder Shield Leports Sun SPF 50 PA +++

3:44 PM Moi Sanom 0 Comments

Holika Holika! Sunscreen for your skin! It smells like the beach. 
Well it smells like people at the beach, I suppose. Although I've never actually gone around the beach smelling people. I think that sometimes you just imagine how things smell, so for me Holika Holika sunscreen smells like cartoon beach bodies. 
With a hint of lizard blood. 

Smells like this guy
So this stuff feels like glue, minus the sticky bits. 
Which makes it not really glue-like at all. If you can imagine a non sticky elmers glue though, that's it exactly. If you can't imagine that, then I guess it feels like the chunky bits of old milk. 
I think maybe now you'll try a bit harder to imagine non sticky glue, hmm? 
If you've got facial hair (like me) or eyebrows (also like me) prepare for the white cast!
You'll look like
*the shining spoiler*
frozen Jack at the end of The Shining.

Except probably warmer since you are trying to protect yourself from sun rays. 
Todays review is brought to you by multiple contradictions.
1. Blegh!
I rate this a oneeeee, but mostly because I don't really like sun screen to begin with. I don't really have anything against sunscreen though, just never really got along. Like, I guess it's sort of judgy but whatever. 

Sunscreen sucks, thanks for the much needed protection though. 
Yours truly, Johnny Clyde

Mois thoughts:
I was looking for a cheap sunscreen for Johnny a long while back. 
My HG sunscreen is teeny tiny and not super cheap so I was looking for a convenient alternative. 
I didn't find many Korean sunscreen reviews at the time so I just went for a random one. 
Well, it didn't work out too fantastically. Honestly I hate this sunscreen and gave up using it even for my body. 
As Johnny mentioned, this smells extremely sunscreeny. Not something that bothers me at all, by the way. For me, the issue is that it performs exactly like sunscreen. It is on the same level as average European sunscreens, so no where near as bad as Coppertone and such.  
It is very thick without ever sinking into your skin. It just stays on top lingering for hours leaving an annoying greasy film. When I questioned Johnny about what he meant with glue on your face, he elaborated that it was what the film this sunscreen leaves on his face reminded him off. 
To me it isn't like glue but old fashion sunscreen. I guess I am less creative than him.
On top of that gross feeling, this cream also has a white cast. 
Very noticeably so. 
On me it just gives me the ghosty look ( not the kind I am usually going for).

Thick consistency cream to the left. On the right pic, the white cast is visible on the right side

On someone with facial hair it creates unsightly white patches. 
Not a good look. 
Honestly I have nothing good to say about this sunscreen besides that it protects and isn't as awful as some others I have tried. I definitely don't recommend this. 
There is many others that are much much better, such as my favorite Biore Watery Mousse or even other Korean ones.
I am happy this bottle is finally empty and I don't have to see it floating around any more.

Just a quick side note. I also own the spray from this line which is actually quite lovely. 
Now you might wonder why I would buy a spray from the same line of this hated sunscreen? 
It was the highest rated cheap sun spray on Get it Beauty and since no reviews were around I blindly trusted their judgement. Review coming soon...

Ingredients: Here
PH: 7 (really, why though?)

I agree with Johnny Clyde on this one. If I wouldn't hate throwing things out I would have chucked this one real quick. Thanks Johnny for putting up with using this for so long!
Rating:  1.Blegh 2. Pff  3. Meh  4. Oohh  5. Awwyeah 6. Wooha

 Available at Testerkorea

Woeful Windsday

12:35 PM Moi Sanom 0 Comments

Danse Macabre, Dudley Murphy, 1922

The Face Shop Real Nature Sheet Mask in Blueberry and Rice review

1:52 PM Moi Sanom 0 Comments

The Face Shop Real Nature Sheet Mask in Blueberry

When I received this Honestskin care package I was sent in December I immediately used the rice sheet mask that was contained in the box.
My skin has been going up and down this Winter, partly being nice and moist, and partly being dehydrated with spots.
Let me tell you, my skin has been going nuts and the biggest difference was indeed my routine.
So at the time this arrived, I was using some mediocre products that were not working so great for my skin, and it was not just dehydrated but also itchy.

The Face Shop Real Nature Sheet Mask in rice

The moistness of the sheet mask was very welcome, and even though it did not produce any miracles, I thought it was quite nice.
Since both of these masks are pretty similar, I thought I would do a little bit of a comparison review.
They both were chock full of essence.
The sheet mask was moist but not dripping wet, the juice inside the package was substantial though.
I used it another four times as my toner, simply by adding some to my palm and patting it on my face and neck.
The sheets were soft but a little big for my tiny face.
Not something that bothered me but it wasn’t the cutest look.

The Face Shop Real Nature Sheet Mask in Blueberry face
My face looked so weird with the huge mask on. I removed some of the nose flaps since they tickled while breathing
The rice masks essence was transparent and smelled sweet and starchy.
The blueberry masks essence was milky and the scent was sweet and fruity, but not very blueberryish.
They both left my skin hydrated and plump without any sticky feeling.
After using these, my fine lines were visibly reduced and my skin looked very healthy.
I left them on my skin for about 25 minutes when I felt that the sheet was barely wet any more.
I thought they were both very similar in terms of  results.
It felt like the blueberry one reduced some redness I currently have a bit more than the rice one.

The Face Shop Real Nature Sheet Mask in Blueberry before and after
Red spotty dork face before, and bright soft dork face after
These are nice masks that definitely serve their purpose of hydration, plumping and glow.
I think they work wonderfully for their price and are a great addition to anyones mask collection.

Ingredients: Rice, Blueberry
PH: 4.5

Rating: 1.Blegh  2. Pff  3. Meh  4. Oohh  5. Awwyeah 6. Wooha

Available at Honestskin

Disclaimer: This product was sent to me for review purposes. That fact does not alter my review or opinion in any matter For more information read my Disclaimer page. 

Woeful Windsdays

9:39 PM Moi Sanom 0 Comments

from Off The Air

Most Overhyped Asian Cosmetics

12:04 PM Moi Sanom 0 Comments

If you spend some time reading beauty blogs, magazines, forums or following bloggers on social media, you might have noticed that there is certain products everyone loves. I always wondered if those products were so loved by everyone because they are truly good or because humans have an innate herd mentality. Think of it as a kind of cosmetic placebo. It is already hard to figure out if skincare is actually effective or if it is our minds trying to make us believe that it is. I admit I have really really hoped in the past a beautifully packaged or expensive product would work wonders on my skin. I also believe that the ability to compare is very important. Why do people love Touche Éclat so much, because it is amazing or because it was the first highlighter of its kind and there were no others to compare too? I honestly wouldn't have thought that American drugstore products were overpriced and below average quality if I wouldn't have been used to a much cheaper and often better German alternative. Even when it comes to Asian cosmetics my standards have changed quite a lot. When I started using them a few years back, it was hard for a product to disappoint me, now after having tried a large variety of Asian cosmetics, I am more picky and have higher standards.
After all, why use something mediocre if there is excellent products available!

Before I blogged I was an avid reader of anything beauty related, I followed the hype trains with fascination and wonder, dreaming about one day trying all those interesting and amazing sounding products. Now, as a blogger, I almost feel obligated to try some of those items everyone is raving about. After all, if it is amazing I need to share it with the world and gush about it with my fellow hypees. Unfortunately, as usual, I am not part of that fun sounding club. I am sitting in a corner alone, or with a few confused others, wondering why I can' be part of the hype train too. Maybe it is because I am a very critical person, or because my skin is inherently strange. Either way, I have decided, after so many failures and disappointments, to not buy tickets for the hype train any more. I am happy to ride for free but I have no money to spare just to find out that Bioderma is not a miracle makeup remover after all! Here is a little list of some products that I find a little bit of a waste of money, and hopefully this saves you some moolah by experimenting with other not yet discovered wonders instead.

There was a lot of hype about Benton products in 2014.
There was also a lot of controversy.
If you are interested in reading about the good and the bad of Benton and how it partially destroyed my face read here.
If we ignore the fact that some products were contaminated we are still left with overhyped products. The Essence is quite lovely to be honest, but most of my friends who have used it (and loved it) have moved on to better more effective products. The cream on the other hand is a product, that to me, the hype is absolutely baffling. The cream is super thick yet not hydrating at all making it suitable for normal skin only. It is only usable as an occlusive and there are cheaper products to do exactly that.
If you want to use skincare that contains snail mucin and actually moisturise your face try Nature Republics Snail Therapy or Misshas Snail Cream instead.

Etude House Wonder Pore Freshener
I wonder if this toner is so popular because it claims to do 7 things in one (or 10 depending on your version). To me, this is a lot harsher than most Asian toners (which makes them so nice in the first place) more like a western toner. An astringent some might call it.
Honestly though it does nothing it claims to, and for me that is a deal breaker.
Try Cosrx BHA/AHA Clarifying toner that actually reduces the appearance of pores and acts as an anti-inflammatory too.

Etude House Moistfull Collagen line
When I started using Asian skincare everyone seemed to really like this line. I ordered a sample kit right away and was quite happy I didn’t go for the full size since the ultra hydrating action it is supposed to give skin is non existent. This line really only works for normal skin types, but once again almost everything works for normal skin. It isn’t hydrating enough for dry skin and too rich for oily or combo skin. The anti aging benefits are also bogus since applying collagen to your face will actually not improve the collagen content in your skin, no matter how many times Etude House is trying to convince you.
If you liked the old line or want to try it out anyway, try the new super collagen products. They feel better texture wise and hydrate more effectively, even though they aren’t the best creams out there either. If you want to actually increase the collagen production in your skin try a Vit C serum.
As far as a lightweight moisturising line goes, you can give The Face Shops Chia seed line or Innisfrees Green Tea line  a try. They are customizable to your skin type and quite hydrating.

Holika Holika Magic Pole mascara
When Givenchy released their ball wand mascara I was very underwhelmed.
It was already incredibly average and this is a dupe that isn’t any better.
The wand is awkward to use and the results are practically non existent. It doesn't curl, lengthen or give volume, it works great for people that already have good lashes but that just need some color and definition.
Try Etude House Doll Doll Lash Perm 3 Step Volumecara or Kiss Me Heroine Mascara Volume and Curl instead.

Skinfood Rice Mask Wash Off
Some people tout this as the best exfoliator for sensitive skin.
Well actually, it might be the best exfoliator at doing nothing much at all.
I received this as a sample a while ago, naive me was so excited to finally find something to scrub my sensitive dry face, which is said to also give tons of moisture.
Well it did neither.
The rice is not scrubby enough to exfoliate, and the mask doesn’t hydrate much at all. Besides that it was quite a messy application and I did not enjoy the experience. Try this Klairs Gentle Black Sugar Polish for actual scrubby bits that are enveloped in oils to not dry out your skin.

Peeling Gels
Well this is not really about a specific product but a whole range of them. To be honest they vary in effectiveness from none at all to not that bad, but is it worth it? The companies would like you to believe that the product reacts with your skin and all you do is rub off bits of dead skin.
As appealing as that sounds it is simply untrue.
The product does indeed react with your skin, but not in the way you would like. The creams will turn into little balls on contact with the oils of your skin. That can create some bits that can indeed mildly exfoliate your face. As a freak of nature without any noticeable sebum this nifty trick hardly ever works for me so I give them a pass. The better ones in this category can indeed be useful for a pre makeup exfoliation to get rid of some scales without giving you any redness. If you really need your peeling gel fix, try Misshas Super Aqua Peeling Gel, since it is the best one I have found.

Etude House Fresh Cherry Tint
I apologize to Mother for using her as my personal guinea pig at times. She wanted a natural tint so I thought I would get her the very popular milky tint. Mmmhhh, that was a mistake, and I am surprised how long Mother stuck with it in the first place.
The color looked nothing like the promo pics or swatches online. It is the color of Pepto Bismol and not in a good way. Application is very average, the color is not very layerable and the durability is very mehh. If you are looking for a nice milky tint try Periperas instead.

Long lasting Lipsticks
Oh my, I have a beef with long lasting lipsticks!
Why do I hate them?
Well, they are dry, look strange and often don’t even last that long and if they do they usually make your lips look weird.
I admit that I haven’t tried any of Clios famous Lipnicures. I doubt that they will convert me (since “cult” lipsticks like the Velvetines didn’t either) but the ones I have tried were just not good.
If you want long lasting colors on your lips, try some Tonymoly tints. They are the bees knees and so versatile! My favorites are the Cats Wink line and the Lover Live Kiss ones.

Etude House Baby Choux Base
Ok I won’t lie, when I saw the Baby Chouxs for the first time I was both intrigued and delighted. Unfortunately I never got to try the first version but I have the one in the tube and in the cushion.
I would like to talk about the tube one here, since the cushion is a completely different product (better but it has similar flaws). I am not sure how hyped up these primers really are but for some reason people keep asking about them, so I thought I would give it to you straight.
If you want a color correcting primer, get the one from The Face shop, it is super similar for half the price.
Now the reason why I am not a fan, they are not suitable for daily life usage and don’t do what they promise. They don’t really cover or hide pores, they don’t blur or reduce sebum and lengthen the life of foundation by very little.
What they do and do well is whiten. To a degree that looks less than natural. Thus they are great for costume make up! The green one giving you the most deathly paleness. Even the peach shade which is suppose to be for “darker” skin is too lightening to look decent on anyone that doesn’t already have pale skin from the beginning. Besides their very fake appearance the product is also unsuitable for dry or scaly skin. It accentuates every flaw instead of hiding it and just makes you look masky and weird. I actually like the Face Shops Lovely Me:ex base better since the thinner texture makes them look more natural. If you want a primer that doesn’t make you look recently deceased, try the Skin Conditioning Cream by Etude House instead.

What are the most overhyped products in your opinion? Is there any that you have tried and thought all the kerfuffle surrounding them was worth it?

Etude house Sunprise super aqua SPF35 PA++ review

10:03 PM Moi Sanom 0 Comments

I guess we have entered that time of the year when people are looking for decent sunscreens in order to prepare for some fun holiday time. Personally I am always looking for some nice sunscreen since I use it all year around. I have found a few amazing ones and a few that were decent, but most I have tried were unfortunately pretty terrible. Especially when it comes to cheap sunscreen that I don't mind slathering  all over my body.
To be honest, buying sunscreen is a chore for me since I feel like the chances of it being a non usable product due to sunscreens many flaws is quite high, that choosing a new one can be a nerve wracking procedure. Thankfully I have friends who provide me with samples, fellow bloggers with good opinions and occasional Sponsors who also hook me up with some new and interesting products.
So thanks to Stylekorean I got to try this sunscreen I would have otherwise never considered to try.

Why you ask?
Well I have had bad experiences with Korean drugstore sunscreens. It is not that I tried that many of them but until recently I had a much higher amount of duds in my Korean sunscreen stash than I would like. I blame Japanese sunscreens for that since they raised my expectations so much.
The good news is that this sunscreen is actually really nice!
I have a love hate relationship with Etude House. They have some really amazing products and some that are so meh or ugh that I don't know what to do with. So I really didn't expect this sunscreen to turn into one of my favorites I have tried so far!

Even though it isn't the highest protection, it is great for causal everyday wear on those hotter days with its refreshing texture. Though it looks like a regular milky lotion type cream, it is very lightweight and watery. If you are familiar with different Korean skincare textures this is the kind that turns watery when applied which in turn makes it feel cooling and refreshing. It is quite lovely and I personally really enjoy that kind of application. It is touted to being ultra hydrating, which it might be for combo or oily skin types but as a dried skinned person I would not skip my moisturiser before this. It is slightly hydrating though, so if you are looking for a little bit more moisture from your sunscreen this would be a good one to try out. The cream sinks in fast and leaves no discernible feeling behind besides the aforementioned coolness. It feels like applying any other milky product and would not be differentiable from a non sunscreen product. The finish is satin to a point that it looks just like natural skin but slightly dewier. The kind you would have on a good skin day. There is also no whitecast whatsoever. So far all my sunscreen demands have been filled so you can imagine that I am quite happy with this.

The dewyness isn't noticeable on the swatch but there is no white cast at all!

The only thing I am not a huge fan of is the scent. It is not super strong but it is there. Keep in mind I am very scentsitive, so I asked Johnny and he said the scent of this cream is mild. It smells kind of perfumey and I can’t pinpoint the exact scent at all since it is quite unique in a familiar way.
It wears great below foundations as well. There is no piling, slipping or any other awkwardness you could think of. It actually makes for a nice base product since its texture lends it to almost smooth skin out like a good moisturiser sometimes does.
It is also on the cheaper side and with its refreshing application that disappears into nothingness it is equally suited for the face or the body.

From the sunscreens I currently own it is definitely my favourite and in the Top 5 Best sunscreens I have used so far.
If you are looking for a cheap everyday sunscreen, have dry skin or want something that feels fresh and completely disappears on your skin you should definitely give this a try.
Since I liked this cream so much I am quite tempted to try others of the Sunprise line as well!

Ingredients: Here
Available on Stylekorean

Disclaimer: This product was sent to me for review purposes. That fact does not alter my review or opinion in any matter. For more information read my Disclaimer page.

Cosrx AHA-BHA Clarifying Treatment Toner review

10:03 PM Moi Sanom 0 Comments

Cosrx AHA-BHA Clarifying Treatment Toner (150ml)
All-natural ingredients with mineral water for more than just a simple toner.
Exfoliate, cleanse, and prevent with organic AHA/BHA molecules ! The AHA/BHA Clarifying
Treatment Toner is made to hydrate and rejuvinate the skin while preventing whiteheads, blackheads, and blemishes for the perfect flawless skin you deserve.

When I purchased this toner it was mostly out of curiosity. On the one hand side I was searching for new Asian acid product and never tried Cosrx before and on the other hand I wanted to know if Johnny Clyde could tolerate gentler BHA products.
The good news is that I did indeed find a new Asian brand that creates effective acids and Johnny Clyde tolerated this BHA fantastically.

The bottle came sealed in plastic

The reason why I say that, is in the past I have tried products containing BHA and Johnny Clyde reacted badly to them. It was clear to me after seeing his tender red skin that his face did not like that particular type of acid. He tolerated others well though, so I didn’t want to give up on him. Besides that, I was still looking for something that would diminish the appearance of pores visibly.

Arch enemy of all cats
The toner comes in a spray bottle. The nozzle distributes the liquid evenly and smoothly but since it is an acid toner, I use it with a cotton pad. It is definitely misty enough to be sprayed directly onto the face.
The product is watery and transparent.
It smells kind of chemical and a little dusty.
A scent that most acid products seem to have.
I like that it is fragrance free and that the scent dissipates within seconds.
The toner itself is very lightweight. The moment you apply it, it practically disappears into your skin. Just like water.

The mist is a little hard to see but you might notice some on the lower left corner
We have been using it more or less for 3 months now, two times a day, and I am probably going to finish the bottle within the next three weeks.
So it lasts a long time, which is nice.
In terms of efficacy, it actually works!
This is a very gentle toner so don’t expect any miracles from it, but as a complementary acid it works great.
I have tested this alone and with other acids and C20s Vitamin C serum. I found that it actually enhances the efficacy of the acid products I apply afterwards, but still shows enough improvement by itself to be noticeable.
I think this products strength is not necessarily its PIH removing capacities, but its antiinflammatory and pore reducing properties.

You might already know that I am currently involved in a bitter fight with Johnny Clydes pores. For some reason his skin is improving at fast speeds but his pores keep taunting me with their poreness. I had hopes that this toner would be a pore life changer but got quite disappointed after not seeing results within two weeks.
What a fool I was!
I should really know by now that not seeing results after two weeks means nothing. Either way we stuck to it and then one day it happened.
I remember talking to each other when I noticed that something was missing. I suddenly realised, it was those pesky dark spots that were scattering his nose and cheeks. I was confused and thought it was just a trick of my mind, but upon further inspection my suspicions were confirmed. His pores were reduced in size and much cleaner in appearance.
I was very excited about this discovery but nothing miraculous yet. I decided to step it up and add an AHA serum to also help reduce some PIH he has on his cheeks. At this point he had been using the COSRX toner for about a month by itself and the AHA serum for another month in conjunction with it.
The results were astounding!
His skin was better then ever.

cosrx bha aha toner before and after

The combo of the toner and the serum seemed a great solution to his moody skin. His face was clear and spotless, the pores were barely visible. Their size was reduced even more than the month before, clearly due to being unclogged at all times.
I was quite shocked!
I would like to note that he did use that AHA serum by itself for an entire month with results in terms of spot reduction, but not as much as when used with the toner. That makes me believe that the toner really does enhance other acids. His routine has been pretty steady within all this time and these were the only actives he used.
His skin hasn’t been this good since I met him!

Look at those clean pores!
For me, I had wonderful results too but due to my tiny pores they were not as noticeable as his.
My pores are looking cleaner than ever and when I do get spots due to allergies this toner actually soothes them. I believe it is due to the antiinflamatory properties of the BHA.
Since neither I nor him got any irritation from this, I think that this toner is both gentle enough yet efficient. Which is a rare find in the skincare world.
I really like this toner and have already adopted it into my permanent line up. After having great results from both this and the C20 Vitamin C serum I am very excited to try more from Cosrx!

Ingredients: Here
PH: 3.5

Rating: 1.Blegh  2. Pff  3. Meh  4. Oohh  5. Awwyeah 6. Wooha

Purchased at Wishtrend 

For new customers at Wishtrend you can use code 021617712 to get 5$ off.

Have you tried any products from COSRX before and if so how do you like them?

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliated links and codes. That fact does not alter my review or opinion in any matter. For more information read my Disclaimer page.

Clio VF 21 Volume Brightener in #2 review

9:05 PM Moi Sanom 0 Comments

Clio VF 21 Volume Brightener in #2 (2ml)

CLIO VF21 Volume Brightener is a multifunctional highlighter-concealer that instantly brightens dull, uneven skin.  Using reflective pearl particles in a moisturising, non-caking base, the VF21 Volume Brightener fills in wrinkles around the eyes and mouth.  Three ways to use this highlighter:
Cover blemishes such as red spots, discolorations and pimples
Apply 3-4 dots on areas such as the T-zone, C-zone, chin and nose bridge for highlight (add more volume) 
Brighten up dark areas on your face, cover under-eye circles for a more refreshed look

Another wonderful product I got to try thanks to Mother!
I found this line a while ago, naturally due to the fact that VF stands for Vampire Face!
That is also the reason why I have been waiting for an excuse to try some of these vampiric goodies. Poor Mother recently lost her makeup bag while travelling and was in dire need of replacing everything for as little money as possible.
Her usual products were mid to high end and buying all of those in one go is a little expensive.
I also think she wanted to see if she could get some good stuff for cheap, I mean who doesn’t!

So a highlighter was needed. 
One that looked very natural and could be used on any parts of the face, especially under the eyes. She doesn’t use any concealers but she likes to brighten the area with a highlighter sometimes. Being a mature being, she also insisted on a non creasing product.
So off I went researching highlighters.
I am not a fan of them myself since I don’t like any shiny things.
No glitter, no shimmer, no pearl.
I am simply not a fan.
I do like glow though and that is what I was looking for.
A natural glowy highlighter.
From the online description and swatches this looked to fit pretty well and the price was good too.
And once again Vampires don’t let me down!
This stuff is great!

I actually like it more than Touche Éclat!
Honestly, I thought that the famous Touche Éclat was a little overhyped.
I mean it is a nice product but I feel the hype was more about its novelty when it came out than its miraculous results.
This highlighter is also a touch pen type product.
You click on the back and it comes out at the brush end.
When used for the first time, please don’t click on it like crazy just as I did, way too much came out and I did not know what to do with it.
Once used, one click is really enough for both eyes.
The highlighter is smooth and creamy almost like foundation.
It looks quite light but blends in beautifully.
No reverse panda eyes here!

It smells like foundation as well, but in a very soft way.
It is only noticeable when held to the nose.
I kind of cross dab the product in a triangle under my eyes and then pat gently with my fingertips to blend. It definitely highlights the area visibly but in a very smooth and natural way.

application method shown on the right eye
It doesn’t even look like it is there which I find is perfect!
It definitely does make a difference in terms of refreshing the eye area.
Keep in mind that this is not a concealer and it will not hide dark circles!
I tried this on other parts of my face as well and it performed just as naturally as under the eyes.
Its durability is quite surprising for such a creamy product.
It lasted 6 hours fine with no creasing or rubbing off.
I call that a winner!
Left side without, right side with
I don’t like using concealers under my eyes since I haven’t found one that works well for my dry skin.
They either tug or crease eventually, but this one does neither, which is what I have been looking for.
It is so easy to apply and looks so natural that it is also a fantastic product for makeup newbies who want to improve their appearance naturally while not putting too much effort or know how into it.

Ingredients: Coudln't find them

 I can definitely recommend this for anyone who wants to use a natural highlighter.
Rating: 1.Blegh  2. Pff  3. Meh  4. Oohh  5. Awwyeah 6. Wooha

Winter light playing tricks on me as usual. VF21 under both eyes

Woeful Windsday

11:14 AM Moi Sanom 0 Comments

Theda Bara

I’ve been trying to write about my mental illness for a year now aka Why you are the reason I couldn’t.

6:06 PM Moi Sanom 0 Comments

Johnny Clyde wrote this a few weeks back and I asked him if I could share this with all of you. I have been wanting to write more personal stories and view points on here (which you can find in the About me section), and I thought that this is quite fitting. Mental illness is an important subject which I believe does not get talked about enough. As a Neurodiverse person myself, I feel like our view points and stories are underrepresented and should be shared more. 
If you have any stories or experiences to share on the subject I would love to hear them!  

I sincerely hope you’ll read all of this and not just judge me as someone whining about mental illnesses. I hope that you read this to cure yourself of at least some ignorance. If you think mental illness is a joke and you see this while refusing to read it, you’ve got issues yourself that you need help with. From now on I will be referring to mental illness as neurodiversity. This is because I am simply different than a neurotypical person. Not defined as someone with an ailment, but rather defined as someone who is simply different.
I am neurodiverse, and it’s ridiculous that I am so embarrassed to admit it. 
Even as I write this I doubt myself that I’ll actually post it.
This was Johnnys profile pic when we met. Very fitting, me thinks!
 I lived my whole entire life thinking I was ‘normal’ (whatever that means).
I knew that for myself, I was odd. I never identified with anyone, I never felt that anyone ever felt or thought the way that I did, but I was convinced that I appeared completely normal and regular to everyone else. I’ve always been called weird, which never bothered me, but when people call each other weird because they don’t like their sauce, the word ends up not meaning anything to me. 
So I was weird, like everyone else. I didn’t know they meant I was actually weird, as in different than they were. So until I was 22 I lived my life like this. I didn’t know why I cried at movies at different parts than everyone else, (I watched the beginning of Up like a statue, unfazed, but when they’re sitting on the curb at the end counting cars….I lost it) I didn’t know why it took me months to be able to speak to people like they’re humans (I went into every new school and job knowing that I wasn’t going to be able to talk to anyone until at least 2 months, and probably another 6 months until I feel comfortable enough to talk about myself) and I especially didn’t know why I just could not relate to a single soul. Literally no one around me felt the same way I did about things, because I’d ask them and they’d laugh and say it’s weird. I’d ask them “you know how everyone loves pretty images, like trees in moonlight and such..but do you ever look at a tree branch in the moonlight and your stomach almost starts to hurt like your body is trying to remember something important that could change your entire existence and you don’t know what it is but you feel like crying, like there’s an entire life you’ve left behind that you just can’t remember just because this branch and this wind and this moon all met in this one specific part of your vision like the is is the universes language and we just can’t understand it yet?” And it’s not a joke, I am completely serious, but I laugh along because I am embarrassed by their reaction. 
I’ve been going to therapy for the first time in my life this past year and have been diagnosed with mental illnesses which completely caught me off guard. You live your whole life thinking you’re normal, then doctors tell you you’ve got social phobias, depression, PTSD, and Aspergers (possibly more to come, time will tell ;D ) Whew, that’s really hard to admit even still.

I denied it at first. 
There was no way. 
I was like everyone else, it’s just my way of thinking is different, but it turns out I’m not the same. 
I was embarrassed. I thought I must be stupid, because in America we’re taught that neurodiversity (mental illness) means you’re stupid. It means something is WRONG with you. 
Something that needs to be corrected. 
But besides that, I was embarrassed for another reason, and that’s you’re fault.

My whole life I’ve been living with these things without knowing it, but I’ve been soaking in all your jokes and insults along the way. Your jokes about mental illnesses. Your jokes about killing yourself because you lost a match in your game, your jokes about how autism is a polite word for retarded (I hate that word), all these jokes hit me all at once the second I was diagnosed. 
So thanks a lot for making me embarrassed to be who I am and who I can’t help to be. 
I didn’t get the jokes then and I certainly don’t get them now.  
So it took me a really long time to get over that, and I accepted it. 
I accepted myself again. 
I realized that all my weirdness and the way I look at the world and my artistic ideas and my personality are all me, not my neurodiversity. The only reason I think the way I do is because of me. All of my thoughts are mine, not my neurodiversity.

However, mental illnesses effect people in different ways and that needs to be respected. 
Just because my depression doesn’t cause me to want to jump out of the window (I think this has more to do with my immense fear of death, though) doesn’t mean people aren’t constantly having thoughts of suicide with their depression. 

Side note: Stop comparing mental illnesses. 
Your depression will never mean more to me than it does to you, as mine will never mean more to you than it does to me. There’s no reason to compare, I see it happening a lot and it’s very sad. I think the most respect you can give someone is simply taking them serious. Don’t be an asshole and laugh at the 13 yr old girl posting pics of herself crying because you think she wants attention. 
So now that I’ve admitted it, if I do indeed post this, I want to sometimes talk about my experiences and bust some myths and such. So this time I want to talk a bit about having Aspergers.

So, I have Aspergers and it’s not funny or fun, really. 
First I want to say that people with Aspergers are not all the same. 
So I am only speaking for me here. 
There’s a lot of things that I simply can’t do because of Aspergers. A lot of people are shy or introverted, but for me it’s extreme. Where sometimes you might be able to coax a shy person into singing karaoke, I’m likely waiting at the park next to the bar because I can’t handle being inside.
 It’s not just the social anxiety, it’s the noises. I hear in 2D whereas most people hear in 3D. 
This means that basically all noises hit me at the same time around the same level, so a car driving by outside is as loud or sometimes louder than your voice. I can hear the fridge buzzing constantly and a fly on the wall distracts me from what’s being said on TV. It’s not that I can hear better than you, I just can’t control it like you.  
With 3D hearing you’re able to separate the sounds and actually tell where they are coming from and kind of control the volume. So already bars are a nightmare for me. The music is loud, the people are loud, clanking glasses, spinning fans, forks knives plates, shouting, the tv, chairs scooting, all of this going on at once for me and I’m supposed to try and listen to what you’re saying so that you don’t think I’m a freak with bug eyes in my own little world. It’s not hard, it’s impossible. It is actually impossible. I do try, and I enjoy myself when I’m able to do it, go into social places and have fun. Play pool or whatever, after a while I am able to relax. 
But you probably have no idea what it’s like to buy tickets to your favorite musician who you’ve been idolizing for years and when you go to stand in line to get inside you feel like you’re going to puke because you’re already surrounded by the people you’re about to be enclosed with in a small room with super loud music and everyone is dancing (dancing is very strange to me) and it gets to be too much and sometimes you leave the line. You don’t get to see your favorite musician, you waste your money and your time and you feel like an idiot. This stuff happens to me all the time. 

I’ve never really had friends, I was that kid in school that everyone liked and you’d high five me in the hallways but we’d never talk or hang out. I had a few friends that I’d occasionally drift in and out of friendship with and that was nice, I appreciate that they accepted that I wasn’t a reliable friend. I’d stop talking to everyone in that circle for a year or more and then just pop up again. 
I can’t help it. 
It makes me never able to keep friends and I hate it. 
I’m lonely, always have been and probably always will be. I try so hard to keep relationships going but I just can’t. I can’t always bring myself to go to social events so I stop getting invited, and then I’m not in the circle anymore. 
Constantly alone and I hate it. 
I remember this one example, I was invited to one of my only friends wedding, I was asked to write a song for them to walk down the aisle for. I was extremely nervous but so incredibly honored that I was actually able to overcome myself for the wedding. I arrived early, set up my guitar to perform, and just sat in this chair the whole time. I didn’t walk around or talk to anyone, just this awkward guy wearing a suit 2 times too big just sitting there. People came up and talked to me and I couldn’t look at them, felt so stupid. So the time comes and I play the song and I sit in that same chair for the remainder of the ceremony, the second the “kiss the bride” stuff is over I was gone. Everyone lined up for food and I grabbed my guitar and held it in front of my like a shield as I fled down the stairs, not even able to talk to my friend and congratulate him. I fled to the park and sat on the bench for two hours because I was too embarrassed to show my mom that I didn’t stay for the after wedding stuff. That isn’t funny. 

That is how I prefer to play guitar
 It isn’t all bad, though! Aspergers. 
I am able to solve complex things easily. A lot of people think inside of the box, some people think outside of the box, and I’m kind of off in the ethereal not knowing the box exists. 
Which is nice, I think. 
For me. 
It allows me to not be constrained with the obvious answers. Sometimes it inhabits my common sense, though. I do admit. (Ok, often. Ok…daily.) If I drop a glass my first instinct might be to go to the store, buy a bunch of duct tape, come back and cover the whole floor with strips of duct tape, then peel it off along with the shards. When the obvious thing would be to sweep or vacuum. I am able to recognize patterns extremely easy. I can kind of turn it off and on, so if I watch a movie I can turn it on and predict the entire movie, not just the ending but everything in between. (to the amusement of my fellow viewers) depending on the movie of course, just based off of movies of the same genre or the style of the writing so far with like a 90% accuracy. I don’t like to do it because I don’t enjoy the film anymore, but I am able to. Which can be put to good use sometimes ;D 
I also have a super unbiased look on the world, which is extremely nice. It’s difficult to explain, but people with Aspergers tend to be incredibly non judgemental people. This goes from viewing a women’s opinions the same as a mans (society seems to have a very hard time with this) to speaking to a child or baby as if they’re an adult. Which can get confusing, obviously. The best way I describe this to the few people I’ve told is that if there is like a 3 yr. child in the same room as me, I’m going to be incredibly shy. I’m not going to be able to look at this kid in their eyes, or talk to them. Even though I know they don’t even have a developed memory yet. I’ll have the same reaction as if they were 30, not 3. Eventually I might warm up a tiny bit, and I’ll have a conversation with them. I’ll talk about the planets not as if they’re an exciting art project but as I really see them even though the conversation very well could be over the childs comprehension. Baby talk doesn’t exist for me. 
A comparison I like to make is if you take a neurotypical person and sit them at a table in a Psychiatric hospital, they’re going to talk to everyone as if they’re a child. “Oh I see you’ve got crayons there, do you like to draw then? Why don’t you draw me something.” 
It doesn’t make you a horrible person, but it’s automatic. You automatically think of yourself as better than they are, or if not better, higher. Like a different level. I don’t. I will sit at that table and have the exact same conversations I’d have with you. (whoever ‘you’ may be) 
I’m obsessive as well. Which so far has only been mostly positive for me. Luckily I’m obsessive about art. So about 5 months ago I decided it was time I learn to animate. I sat down for about 14 hours each day for three days and taught myself how to animate. The thing is, I didn’t even realize it. I didn’t even think about it, it just happened. I learned one thing, experimented for a few hours, moved onto another idea, and it just branches out like that. It doesn’t stop, and so by the end of it I just kinda stood back and said “huh! I know how to animate now!” 

I made this one week after teaching myself to animate

That’s very useful for me. It allows me to work like a madman, I generally work on my art around 13 hours a day when I’ve got something to work on and I don’t even realize it. I don’t eat when I should or sleep when I should or take breaks at all, which is something I’m trying to work on. 
Ok I wrote too much. Which is another thing, I don’t know when to stop. If I find something interesting, I’ll just talk and talk and talk so I’m going to stop for now. I sincerely hope that someone out there finds this useful, and I want to tell you that people are incredibly stupid and ignorant and whatever or whoever you are, you’re amazing. Even if you have to spend some time wondering how you can possibly be amazing with all your flaws, I promise you that you are indeed amazing. Especially if you read all of this ;D

I’ll try to bring myself to write more, you can follow me here if you’d like